Refirmwaring My First Language

The last couple of years I’m noticing the interesting effect happening in my head.

Since early 2022, I stopped using Russian language completely. The Russian in my head was declining since circa 2014, when I switched to English. But I still used it with some distant family (some relatives in Russia, plus my mum), and old friends from Belarus.

I’m not close to all these people, so I didn’t use this cursed language too often. Yet, I used it once and again. During my young years, I knew it very well. Like, better than most people I know personally.

Before 2014, I’ve been reading books in Russian. Since 2014, I stopped reading translations, which led me to read in English, as all the literature I was interested in is originally created in English.

After Bucha’s massacre, or after ruzzians changing street signs in Mariupol¹ from Ukrainian to Russian language, I won’t recall what happened first, I realised that if they (the ruzzianz) want us to speak their language (I’m fucking better in Russian than most ruzzianz themselves), well, fuck them then. Ain’t gonna happen.

I switched to Belarusian with fellow Belarusians, and turned out that it’s 99% of russian-speaking people in my current life.

Excluding my cousins², to whom I was close in my childhood, yet we’re not in touch these days. We can exchange a couple of small how-r-u emails once or twice a year.

Since 2014, I use English exclusively as my first language, for everything. I keep notes in English, all my operating systems computers and smartphones use English as the interface language, I own not a single book in Russian language.

At some point, I noticed, I actually started thinking in English. Especially when I’m on my own. That changes the whole world perspective. Quite dramatically, I’d say. The effect is very visible to me, especially after ten years.

Since 2022, I stopped using Russian as my backup language in conversations with locals (most of whom do not speak English), embracing Ukrainian.

Which I didn’t knew, like at all, I could only understand it to some degree.

That also changed my perspective a lot, I’m thinking in Ukrainian when I’m not alone. Otherwise it’s Enlgish. Sometimes it’s a mix, I have a much bigger vocabulary with English words, and very little one with Ukrainian.

Eventually this thing happened, I started forgetting Russian.

A couple of days back, I wrote an email to my cousin, I reread it and realised it’s not that ortodox Russian language, it’s another language translated to Russian. It’s a mix of Ukrainian and some English, using Russian words. These languages, they are very different.

Oh, I love that, so much. It feels like freeing myself from some fetters.

Really. I mean that.

Right now, I’m in the office. A local branch of TOI TOI company. I’m not a frequent visitor, yet I visit it sometimes. They have a TV here, and today it plays some light background music. The accountant, a woman in her 50s, she chose it. It’s a compilation of some English clips, possibly from YouTube. Sting, Ed Sheeran, Lady Gaga with Bradley Cooper, and something else I wasn’t paying attention to.

To me, this choice wasn’t bad as some background music. However, usually I’d prefer a video-games soundtracks (ideal), sometimes jazz (too heavy for most of my tasks, unless it’s soft). In most cases, I’d like the background music to have no words.

I don’t believe into good or bad music. All music is okay for me, it just fits different situations. This music was quite fine, because I’m not too familiar with it, and it’s different to what I’m listening while working.

I wrote about it in my primary blog, How I Listen to Music.

So. It’s an early Friday evening. Most people left the office already. There are only few people left. They’re chatting in a distant part of the space, but I can hear them okay.

This moment, I realise, my brain interprets the situation unexpectedly. As if this music and English voices from the TV, they’re in my 1st language. I don’t make any extra efforts to process it. While the Ukrainian speech, unless I make efforts, I’m not processing it.

Over the years, the effort involved reduces. Yet, in comparison, my English skill is far superior over my Ukrainian skill.

I read English mostly without dictionary. Recently, I read an entire book, and I checked only a couple of words. Reading Ukrainian, I’m checking at least a couple of words every few sentences, if it’s fiction.

I relax, and listen to some tracks. I found some long-forgotten peace in that.

I even found it worth writing about.